Joke Thread

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Muteswan
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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phollop .



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Muteswan
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The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered......’THE TEETH.'



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Muteswan
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Re: Joke Thread

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Apparently St George was made a saint for having the courage to stand up to a big scary dragon.
Fair play to the fella I tried that once and had to spend the next 6 months in the spare room!



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Re: Joke Thread

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WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled of
beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half-empty
bottle of gin was sticking out of his
torn coat pocket. He opened his
newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to
the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes
arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's
caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”,
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said,
nudged the man and apologized. "I'm
very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope does."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.



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Muteswan
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Re: Joke Thread

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I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his jacket said :

“If you can read this, the wife has fallen off.”



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A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they had not been intimate was because she was very flat-chested. If he wished to cancel the wedding, it would be okay with her.
The guy thought about it for a while and said he did not mind if she was flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his waist he was just like a baby, and if the girl wished to cancel the wedding, it'd be fine by him.
The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind and she also believed there were other things far more important in a marriage than sex. Both were happy that they'd been honest with each other.
They went on to Vegas and got married. On the wedding night the girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes and one look at the guy's naked body made the girl faint and fall to the floor.
After she came to, the guy asked, 'I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?'
The girl said, 'You told me it was just like a baby.'
The guy replied, 'Yes, eight pounds and 21 inches.



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J_B
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Re: Joke Thread

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My wife asked me whether I’d seen the dog bowl.

No, I replied. I haven’t seen him bat or keep wicket either.



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DJack
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Re: Joke Thread

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J_B wrote:
13 Sep 2021 00:54
My wife asked me whether I’d seen the dog bowl.

No, I replied. I haven’t seen him bat or keep wicket either.
*groans*

:lol:



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J_B
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I went to the doctor this morning and he asked what was the problem.

I evacuate my bowels every morning at 8 o clock I replied.

That’s good news he said, it’s good to be regular at your age so what’s the problem?

Well doc, I don’t get up until 9 o clock.



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dickythorpe
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Re: Joke Thread

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I had to phone the aquarium in New York the other day.
The guy on the other end of the phone said "We will have to record this call for training purpoises"



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BrynCartwright
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I had an appointment with NASA at Cape Canaveral last Tuesday, but when I arrived they were all out to launch....



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Muteswan
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Re: Joke Thread

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My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push.
She gave it everything she had, until a fart, that from sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was mortified.
"Don't worry," i said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn't that right nurse?"
"Yes," said the nurse gagging, "But it's usually the mother not the father!.."



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dickythorpe
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Re: Joke Thread

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Can your mate drink a gallon of petrol?
My mate Jerry can.



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TheLoneRanger
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Re: Joke Thread

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a woman waving at him.

She says, "Hello" ... and he's taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he asks, "Do you know me ??"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids"

He nervously asks, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table while your friend whipped my butt with wet celery ?? "

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "NO, I'm your son's school teacher" ...!!


Everyday above ground ... Is a good day! 😎

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TheLoneRanger
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Re: Joke Thread

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I went to a fancy dress shop today to hire a costume for upcoming Halloween.

The girl behind the counter gave me a suit and a Boris Johnson mask.

I said, "Sorry Miss, I think you must have misheard me"

"I said I wanted to look like a COUNT" ...!!
Last edited by TheLoneRanger on 12 Oct 2021 14:36, edited 1 time in total.


Everyday above ground ... Is a good day! 😎

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